With the solstice so recently passed, I find myself thinking of all the commentary made by my pagan/non-pagan/people-in-general. Everyone is all crazy for the Solstice/Yule because it means the light is coming back. Now I can understand why people look forward to the Light, but not at the Dark's detriment.

What's wrong with the dark? I personally love when the sun goes down early. I like the summer too. I like the night. I may not love the cool weather, but if you want the thunder, you have to accept the rain. I get a lot more done when the sun goes down earlier. I get more rest, because people don't bother me as much. The really good holidays come through the dark. There is no pressure to go out. I can read without my non-reading friends trying to encourage me to put the book down and "hang". I cook more when it's dark. I nest, and make decisions that will govern the rest of the year. And when I make love in that dark house....

I complain about this all the time, but I believe it's important. People don't respect polarity. If you had all "good" times, you would never know they were good and vice versa. I know many people who say they never knew they were poor until something or other occurred. Poverty is a very undesirable thing to happen, but if that's all you see, it seems normal to you. Same with prosperity, violence, love etc.

It is important to have both in your life so that it may be well balanced. People don't live as long if they can't find balance and inner peace. Those tormented souls have to reincarnate. So why not do your best while you're on this side of the fence?

This world is incredibly out of balance. There is far too much dominating male energy and the available female energy is directed toward becoming male. Why is it that humans are losing the meaningful value of femininity?

What's more frightening is what is this change seems invisible to the majority of people. The people who do notice the imbalance are considered old-fashioned, third world, and behind the times. Whatever.

I'm not old; but I miss the chivalry and safety that women used to enjoy. I miss the opening of doors, the pulling out of chairs, the standing when I stand, and the relative safety that women generally enjoyed. If a fight broke out, and shooting ensued, I was comfortable in the idea that I wouldn't get shot on purpose. If on transit, I knew I would get a seat if there was a man sitting. I in turn would stand for the elderly, the impaired and the pregnant. I knew that men would watch what they said around me. And if any harm or peril ever found me, if another saw it, they would come to my rescue.

I'm 36 not 136.

Also what concerns me is the planetary indulgence clause.... "As below, so above." That which we loose here in this realm of existence is loosed in a higher realm. Disrespect for women, leads to disrespect for the Goddess. Now you may think I'm making a huge leap, and maybe I am. I know you have heard of the old adage... "You wanna know how a man will treat you? Watch how he treats his mother." Think about it. How can any of us treat the Goddess with respect when we don't know how to inspire respect for ourselves as women? When we don't know how to fully respect the women in our lives? When we let other people make decisions for us.

I just need one good answer and I'll let it go.

I still go to church.

Not just a little, a lot. I sing in the choir, go to Wednesday services, I'm an officer and even follow the pastor when he goes to preach at other churches. But I have never been more pagan in my life. I study more, because I want my faith more decently ordered. With knowledge, my devotion has increased. Confusing isn't it.

Growing up, my family was more than a little strange. We held rituals (they weren't called rituals; they were called meetings, visits, parties etc.) kind of. Celebrated holidays other people didn't. Had odd customs regarding everything under the moon, literally; but we were staunch Christians. I and my siblings were sent to Catholic school (we aren't Catholic) just for good measure. My foremothers were and are just as active in their churches as I am. We knew we were different. We also knew never to discuss it with outsiders. (That's why I love the internet's anonymity.)

The funny thing is even though we had our "own way", it wasn't that different from everyone else I knew. Everyone cut their hair on a new moon and washed it with the dew of May Day. Everyone had cemetery customs. And we all considered ourselves, good Christians. Maybe it's a black thing.

As all people are wont to do eventually, I had a crisis of faith. The conflict was killing me. On one hand Sister Mary Somebody and Pastor Do Right was telling me to do one thing and Mommy and GrandMommy another. Who wouldn't snap? But I missed church. I love the order and structure that is found within my church. I feel Divine energy when I'm there that I may or may not feel when doing workings either alone or in (a very small) group. My mother insists on church because she wants to be sure on all of our entrances to heaven. She see's no contradictions. She said there is a time and place for everything. Time for church. Another time for Magick. Compartmentalizing life's activities is the way to make sure everything gets it's attention. Although this works for her, it seems hypocritical for me. I have cousins that abandoned one or both of the faiths.

Clearly, I have come to a resolution. I am a Church going pagan; and not to the Universalist church either. A good old-fashioned, down-home Methodist church. Since the rituals were very close to the same as the hereditary family faith, in my mind and spirit I visualize "my ritual". Prior to entering the sanctuary, I will go to the restroom and spritz myself with a salt water solution with purifying oil, like sage while mentally grounding myself. If anybody asks, I'm freshening up. At the beginning of service, there is a praise and worship section. More grounding and power building. This is a good time to clear my mind and invite the quarters. When service starts, and the acolytes come to light the candles, I pray my invocation to the Deities along with the pastor. The alter has a communion fount for water, candles for fire, I carry a crystal/stone on my person and use a fan for air. (You know one of those funeral home fans with children praying, Mahalia Jackson, or MLK on the front) There is singing, prayers, sometimes dancing and always energetic sermons. My church actually calls communion the "Ritual". Even when it isn't communion Sunday there is always juice and cookies afterward. Close enough. Sometimes I visualize myself as communal offering to the Deities. At the end there is a benediction. During this prayer I thank and say farewell to the deities and quarters. There is always a last proclamation after the doxology. Bam! The circle is opened. Now I know why Mommy never let me leave the service once it got started.

This works for me. Compartmentalizing works for my mother. I don't feel guilty about my activities or see them as deceptive because I give a lot of myself in support of my church. My mother doesn't care as long as I go to church and continue our ways. (She's getting old and I'm being delegated to more often) It's usually the women in church that work diligently together on various activities; not unlike a coven. Hmmmm?

Also, it is common knowledge that the Catholic Church (which serves as the prototype for all other Christian Churches) absorbed pagan customs to market the faith to the heathen. The most scholarly clergyperson would be hard pressed to determine the boundaries between Christianity and Paganism. Have you ever been on the sidewalk of a Catholic feast day parade? Maybe I'm reclaiming my roots. I don't know. Workings that I perform in church tend to work quicker and more intensely than workings I do alone.

Amen . So be it. Y'all be blessed!

I am in a really bad place right now.

Not only do I feel bad, my life is out of whack, things are falling down around me and I'm at a loss about what to do about it. I am well aware that life isn't always rosy. Everyone has their ups and downs. But this is too much down for me now.

Here is an abbreviated list of problems...
1. No $$$ for taxes which are due NOW
2. No $$$ for August Mortgage (It is now mid August)
3. Car runs only when it wants to and is prone to stop on the hwy
4. No $$$ for food (beans and Ramen Noodles in the cabinet)
5. Parents (and they have $$$) refuse to help. (I haven't asked for $$$ in 10 years!)
6. Abandoned by friends and love interests (these are the same people I helped in the past)
7. Pieces of the roof are falling off
8. Garage door is broken
9. Ceiling fans are broken
10. Boss/pimp is looking at me funny.
11. I don't sleep at night
12. No phone, cable, internet, alarm (couldn't afford them)
13. Tried to get part time jobs, but I am too overqualified for them. Guess I'm not too overqualified to starve.

I have gotten to the point that I have no expectations for anything to get better. I feel hopeless. I have done everything I know how to do, yet I'm still lost.

Please send me good thoughts and intentions